In consideration of death
The Japan incident nags me, no matter how careful we are
about our heath, we can be snuffed out in minutes from unexpected
What I do the world is done on purpose, what the world does to
me is often just being in the wrong place at the wrong time,
as the world rolls on you just happen to be siting on the bottom.
A few times in my short life I have been close to death,
I could hear it breathing and smell its breath, and at those
times I felt closest to life.
As a youngster we feel invulnerable, nothing can hurt us.
Then as we grow older we see and feel the hurt others
experience except for the grace of God there go us.
And from 30 to 50 that feeling of invulnerability wanes like
the moon, and slowly it dawns on us to be more careful.
As a young man I was reckless, knife fight in Morocco
which I involved the US embassy in.
Or in tramping through the jungles in Belize.
And being shot at, very exhilarating, kicks
that adrenalin up and keeps it there all day.
And I gave up the motorcycle, 350 cc Honda with
long handle bars and foot posts up front so I could
lean back in comfort and a Ducati racing bike
250 cc with 10 to 1 compression ratio.
And the once a year crashes.
But approaching older age I need to think twice
about getting in a fight, the mind is sharp and fast
but the reflexes have slowed, and I no longer have
14" biceps. And damn I just heal slower.
I have to keep my mouth from writing checks
my body can no longer cash.
Currently I limit my self to insults they don't
get till later, when I'm not around.
I know death is out there but I don't think
he is stalking me yet. I keep an eye out for
him and as I get older I think about him more,
and resent the hell out of him.
But life has gotten even more exciting chasing
terrorists and hackers on the Web.
Just trying to keep up with the web is
exciting, harnessing the technology to
feed my mind, forcing the WWW to master its
self for me and feed me, that sweet addictive
feed on anything I chose to aim it at.
Being a stock broker was exciting, learning
to understand the world in a economic paradigm.
Often I was chastised for having a big week
and spending the other 3 weeks of the month
When I started I had constant heart burn from
worry I was running several millions of dollars
of clients money, a tidy sum back then.
I kept a box of baking soda in my top desk
drawer, and just wet my finger and stuck it
in the box and licked it off, to settle my stomach
acid, that lasted almost a full year before I got
the confidence I needed from experience.
My biggest sale over the phone to someone
I never met was 3 million dollars.
And I was faced with my own integrity, had to
measure up my own honesty. The first time
I bank wired several millions to a client.
I could have wired the money any where in the
world, and I admit I did set there and think about
it for 15 min. then wired the money to the client.
That was exciting to be tested, and pass my own
test. At that time the Company had sent me to
Switzerland for a break and I did have a Swiss
But I still have so much to do, I'm behind in my
goals and objectives, as I get older money is still
a consideration but acknowledgement is also
a form of tender now.
Death comes to everyone, eventually, even me.
And occasionally I lift my head to scan the horizon
looking for him.
Its been a grand ride so far and as long as I
have my intellect I still want to ride.
But systems are slowing down.
Now a nice set of boobs or a strawberry
short cake are about equal priorities.
But I've become invisible to women
it happened in my 50s, You know how a
woman will look you up and down, look
you over, that stopped in my 50's they
now look right through me, like I'm not
there, I still chase them, but now its my mind
I have to interest them in, not the body.
In my day I was a sharp stud and had more
than my share of women, now its just more
work on my part.
Out on the farm recently I got a very bad electric
shock and was out cold, I felt my brain reboot 3
times very strange, but it was very much like
a computer rebooting, and felt like just like it.
But it wasn't painful, and if that whats death is
like then I'm not afraid of it, but I resent it.
And all my powers of concentration couldn't
stop the black out, I tried as hard as I could
to stay conscious and it beat me. I slid into
When the time comes I guess I just wrasle
with it and try and beat it, not much else one
I don't know what good thinking about it does,
but I do, and haven't come up with a plan yet.
The body just keeps slowly wearing out,
the mind so far has gotten sharper.
And around mid 50's my mind became my
favorite part of my body to play with,
guess I'm officially out of boyhood now.
Its been a truly wondrous trip but the end is
coming maybe 20 to 40yrs? But as long as
I have my mind I'm going for a hundred.
Jeeze I bet gettin a woman at 100 will be
a heck of alot of work.
But I'll find a way, unless theres some
The question of death often leads
one to religion, but that seems to
be a matter of faith or belief.
Not always helpful when searching
for logic based reason.
But maybe there is an answer in Physics.
Law of conservation of energy.
That energy can neither be created nor destroyed.
I certainly feel I have or am energy, my intellect.
So after death my energy may still be around.
Even as a cognitive intelligence.
But the concept of life or intelligence after
death seems so foreign.
When mom and dad died, they were cold,
quiet the spark was gone.
How could we understand something
The only thing I have come up with
that could maybe be comparable
To come from that warm womb,
floating, well fed, no discomfort,
subdued lighting and sound.
Not even breathing, and no sight.
And to come into a new dimension,
Where it is cold, bright, loud and you
have to breathe. Vision, and skin feelings
where there was very little tacit impressions.
Maybe death is like that, a move into a
new dimension so wild and far out
it is like a unborn baby trying to understand
what awaits it, outside the womb.
Scary at first, but really great feelings,
and a whole new dimension to explore.
Could that be the light so many think they
see, a glimpse of the new dimension?
New senses, sharpened feelings, unimaginable
Maybe this is what Tim Hetherington,
'Restrepo' and Chris Hondros and others
are experiencing now?
Rest in PEACE, or have fun in this